Friendology

St Matthew’s is proud to be a URSTRONG school. URSTRONG provides a friendship skills curriculum, Friendology 101, that helps students establish and maintain healthy relationships, manage conflict with kindness, and increase their overall resilience. 

Parent: “How was school today?”
Child: “Good.”
Parent: “What did you do?”
Child: “Nothin’.”

We’ve all had this conversation with our child. When it comes to challenging friendships, the reality is that children do not often tell their parents if they’ve had a Friendship Fire with a friend, are dealing with an up-and-down friend, or are having trouble making friends. Instead, children and teens often suffer in silence.

There are four reasons why children aren’t totally honest with their parents about their tricky friendships. 

1. Your child is worried you’re going to overreact. You might call the other child’s parents, you might call the school, you might say the wrong things, you might cry, you might say, “I knew that child was trouble!”  You might say and do all the wrong things and just make matters worse. Read this:10 Reasons to NOT Call the Other Child’s Parents.
2. Your child is embarrassed. They want you to think they’re cool and popular. Your child wants to make you proud! It’s a pretty vulnerable thing to respond to, “How was school today?” with, “Not very good. I feel like I have no friends. I sat by myself at lunch, and someone made fun of the bargain shoes you bought me.” Children and teens will not readily offer that information.
3. Your child knows it sounds silly or trivial. Children know that sometimes they’re upset or annoyed about things that aren’t that important, but they can’t stop thinking about it. When they think about telling an adult, they think parents and teachers won’t understand and will respond with, “Just ignore them! It’s nothing to worry about. Play with someone else.” These sentiments are obviously not helpful and diminish a child’s feelings.
4. Your child is so tuned in to you. They know if you’re stressed or have a lot on your plate, and they don’t want to add to your pile by unloading their friendship drama on you. They also know it will upset you – so they protect you from that.

There is, however, a fifth reason that has emerged: Your child is worried you’ll take away their device. If the friendship issue happens online, they’re worried you’re going to make them delete the platform or take their device away. In the past few years especially, this has become an enormous concern with children experiencing awful things online that they’re not sharing with grown-ups.

So, what can you do to encourage your child to open up and share freely with you?

First, think of yourself as a Friendship Coach. Coaches don’t go out there and play the game for their players. Instead, they give them advice and send them to play. Then, they stand back on the sidelines and watch. When they call their team in, they point out what they saw and give the players tips and guidance. It should work that way with parents, too, coaching your children through their friendships. Avoid jumping in to solve the problem. Instead, ask: “What can you do to make this situation better?” Empower your child with this activity: Keep it Cool!

Secondly, empathise. Sometimes, all your child needs to hear is, “That sounds really hard. Would you like a hug?” Sit with them in the discomfort, remind them their feelings are normal and valid, and show them you’re there. For teens especially, be a Potted Plant Parent.

Finally, if they’re a little older, let them know you’re there to talk but offer some advice from someone else. Leave a book, article or activity with them to consider. For example, print this activity and pop it on your child’s pillow. Who knows – maybe you’ll get invited to go for some ice-cream!?

We encourage you to join URSTRONG for free and support our school by sharing the same messages and teaching the same skills we teach here at St Matthew’s. URSTRONG provides simple but meaningful language and skills to open up a dialogue with your children. Parents can join URSTRONG for free at https://urstrong.com/.

Petra Cole

Assistant Principal ┃Child Safe Advocate┃Classroom Support Teacher